I don't know where we stand anymore.
You've got one foot in my life and the other's out the door.
And I can't believe this is happening to me -
Deep inside I've wanted to believe that somehow,
Maybe someday there'd be some one there for me.
And I hope I haven't lost my chance.

I don't want to wake up to reality of you not being here with me.
There's so many possibilites that we let slip away.
And if your heart could speak, what would it say?
You're scared, you're scared, you're scared, you're scared, you're scared to say you love me.
I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared.
Will you always stay?
You don't have to run away.

I wish I could believe in what I feel.
I've been fooled so many times before -
I don't know what is real.
Maybe I'm just fooling myself.
I've been running out of reasons to let go.
Tried opening up my feelings, but your door is always closed.
And I find myself dreaming my life away.

I don't want to wake up to the reality of you not being here with me.
There's so many possiblities that we let slip away.
And if your heart could speak, what would it say?
You're scared, you're scared, I'm scared, you're scared to say you love me.
I'm scared, I'm scared, you're scared, I'm scared.

I don't want to wake up to the reality of you not being here with me.
There's so many possibilites that we let slip away.

You don't have to worry because I'm running out of reason to say no.

-I'm scared, Hoku




And I am scared.
But fate lets these things happen.
And you saved me.
Because you're still my knight in shining armor.
I'm sorry for the mistakes I made.
Can we just start all over?

Hi, I'm Jordan.
And I always have and I always will love you.
Isn't that enough?

& I thought this was over.
but its only just begun.

"When he was quieter, I walked down into the living room & over to their jukebox. My finger ran down the choices & I thought about how love was always the thing that did that - smashed into you, left you raw. The deeper you loved, the deeper it hurt."

"'Look!' I said. 'My father used to beat up my mother! I had a husband who put me through the meat grinder & now one of my best friends has AIDS! I just don't believe in happily ever after. It's a crock of shit.'
'I know it's a crock of shit. I ain't offering you happily ever after. I'm offering you... happily-maybe-sometimes-after. Sort of. You know, with warts and shit.'"


- She's Come Undone, Wally Lamb

Just like I found you,
I may lose you.
In a month.
To a pretty house.
In the city that lives forever.
To a college.
Where no one knows your name.

No one there will know you quite like me.
Like the sigh you make when you're tired.
Or the way the littlest comments make your baby blue eyes sparkle.
Or how you burn your necklaces before you wear them so they don't itch.
Or how your music is everything to you.
Or how easily you can put a smile on a face.
Or how when i have to go, you tackle me & beg me not to leave.

I want to tackle you & beg you not to leave.

Even though you tell me you'll take me with you,
reality is, you can't.
But.
You'll be taking the most important part of me.
My heart.

You see, I gave it to you.
Did you even notice?
Did you see me place it in your hands?

I hope my picture isn't easily replaced on the screen.
I hope that you'll miss me like I'll miss you.
I hope that you'll be happy & have great friends.

But mostly, I hope you don't have to leave.

I just got you.
How could I ever bear to lose you?

But how could I ever say these things aloud?
I can't.
The pain; the tears; it would be too much.

And there's something I left out.
And I think you may know it already,
so I don't think I'll say it.
Because saying it makes it real and visible and makes me weak.
Do you know?

So here's what I'll tell you.

"It'll be fun. You'll be okay. Maybe it's fate. Maybe it's what's written for you.
This is your chance to start over, and I know it's scary, but thrilling, too.
You're tough. And you're kind. And people want to be friends with you.
You can do it. I believe in you. Plus, the house is beautiful."

Then again,
so is love.




"Love of mine some day you will die,
But I'll be close behind.
I'll follow you into the dark.
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white.
Just our hands clasped so tight,
Waiting for the hint of a spark.
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied -
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark."

Little boys are supposed to catch frogs in the grass.
Little boys are supposed to eat with their fingers.
Little boys are supposed to play football.
Little boys are supposed to get messy in the mud.
Little boys are supposed to follow in their daddy's foot steps.
Little boys are supposed to break things.
Little boys are supposed to not give hugs when they're asked.
Little boys are supposed to throw worms at their sisters.
Little boys are supposed to play with tonka trucks.



Little boys shouldn't get cancer.

Leaving, leaving.
Say goodbye for the last time,
darling.
An awkward hug.
Kiss on the cheek.
An understanding that this is it.
Pick up the suitcase with all you
have left.
Smudged mascara from the
tear I wouldn't let fall.
Thinking I'm strong by being
selfishly weak.
Hold a hand; steal a heart.
Take a ride down memory lane
to a time
a place
a girl
a boy.
Where everything,
everything felt infinate.
And it was.
Until the middle of the night.
A buzz on the nightstand -
your name on the screen.
A whispered hello.
A screaming goodbye.
And that's it.
That's all.
Left; shattered; empty.
But now I can't just give up.
Sit back, relax, watch
us fall apart.
Because roses are red,
I start to feel blue,
when picturing
my life without you.
Don't board that plane.
Stay here.
Wake up
and realize that I love you.
Don't board that plane.
There's a whole world out there,
but my world is right here -
trying to be
leaving, leaving.
Don't say goodbye for the last time,
darling.
A hug.
A kiss on the cheek.
Please understand that this can't be it.
Put down the suitcase with all
you have left.
Because you are all I have left.

Kids like us.

I'd give you the world if that's what it took to see your crooked smile.

And I know I'm not perfect.

And I know you're not ready.
Though you say you are.

But kids like us, kids from the wrong side of the tracks.
Kids who stir up havoc.
Impatient kids with too much on their minds.

Yes, kids like us.
We'll never be ready.
Because we don't make plans often.
We let life's ebbs and flows take us where they may.

Yes, kids like us.
We were born running.
To and from.
Good and bad.

Yes, kids like us.
We hand our hearts out on platters.
Vulnerability.
That's what kids like us do.

You broke me and left.
Years have flown by.
And back you come, tail between legs.
Begging for forgiveness.

Was I stupid for giving forgiveness.
Was I smart for giving forgiveness.

Everyone always deserves a second chance.
But your first was ruined before it even started.
So I'm not sure what chance we're on.

But kids like us don't pay attention to chances, do we.
No.
Kids like us don't listen to the past.
Because kids like us live in the moment.

Who am I kidding?

You came back and made me smile.
Smile, for christ's sake.
After all that's happened with us, and I still could smile.
Maybe chances are worth it now.

It was a crowded gym, but I knew your face instantly.
And my heart sank.
I didn't know if i should cry or if i should laugh.
What irony; what coincidence.

What fate.

I'm not much of a believer in irony;
in coincidence;
in fate.
I believe you make what happens happen.

But that moment was so unexpected;
so out of my control.

So perfect?

And now.

Everything is coming together.
Our loose ends have put themselves back together.
We're getting lost in that summer again.

I just don't want to lose all that I lost that summer.
Please.

You know.
That song you played.
Just for me?
I set it as your ringtone.
But it's not the same.

It's not your hands strumming those strings.
It's not your voice softly singing those words.
It's not you.

And I listen.
I let it play all the way through before I answer.
Because for that moment,
I'm lost in a moment.

A moment where everything was perfect.
And everything was right.
And we.
We were infinite.

We.
You and me.

Kids like us.
Kids from the wrong side of the tracks.
Kids who stir up havoc.
Impatient kids.
Unplanning kids.
Kids who take life as it comes.
Vulnerable kids.
Kids like us.

Kids who were born to be infinite.

"Someday I'll be beautiful.
Is this real because I don't feel beautiful.
I feel angry.
I feel silence.
I feel so far away.
I am crazy.
I'm amazing.
I have nothing to say.
I'm pathetic.
I'm a giant.
I'm a moment away.

I'll be beautiful..someday."

i forgot to take off the necklace you gave me
when i showered yesterday.
and it felt like a dead weight around my neck.
every thought that came and went
was just another thing i wanted to say to you.

i hate you.
i hate how you can't even acknowledge i'm alive right now.
i hate how when i need you most, you turn your back.
i hate how i lose my appetite when you say the things you do.
i hate how i can't stand the way i try to make you notice me.
i hate how you say you'll call, but you never do.
i hate how everytime i hear your name, i want to cry.
i hate how every song i hear is just another song that screams your name.
i hate how i can't look at my phone, scared you won't have answered.
i hate how i can't even really hate you.

and most of all.
i hate that you "love" me.
because love isn't fair.
and you break promises.






i know you loved me. you said & you wrote it down.

I know you're reading this.
I don't even have to tell you to read it.
So listen carefully.

I do care.
Lots.

Okay?
I know that's what you want to hear.
And I know it's not something I've told you.

I keep secrets.
I hide myself.
Which is why I don't say who these are about.
Because the people who need to know, know that it's about them.
The secrets that are just outlined, not told, are done that way for a reason.
Because I get scared.


Get used to it.

I've realized...
It's okay to be broken.
But don't stay broken for long.
Because people are waiting for you.
To be put together again.
People are waiting for you.
To be the person you used to be.
There will always be someone.
Someone who needs you more than you realize.


You're my someone.
And I would give the world.
If it meant that I could be your someone.


And I'm not really sure how you managed it.
Managed to make me trip.
Because I promised myself I wouldn't.
Wouldn't trip over you.
Wouldn't trip over anyone.
And the more I listen to my favorite songs.
The more they remind me of you.


I'm terrified, you know.
Terrified of what I feel when you're gone.
Terrified of what I feel when you're here.


But when I don't hear from you for a short time.
I worry.
I worry that in that time.
You forgot all about me.