when i look back on my life, will i be proud of the person i grew to be?
will i smile at a memory, maybe two, along the way?
will i focus on the bad parts, the parts that hurt?
or will i, instead, remember only the good, forgetting what made me strong?
will my passion for all things burn bright or be put out?
will i be weak in my times of sorrow?
or come out stronger in the end?
will i bend and break?
or will i make damn sure that no one sees me on my knees?
will i be begging for forgiveness for all the sins i know i've done?
or, instead, will i just be gone?

will this moment, this hour, this day be a memory that will never fade?
or will today be just a fleeting moment in time?
a droplet of water in an ocean of moments, blending in with the rest?
a grain of sand in my ever-falling hour glass?

will this matter?

i'm a little worried.

about you.



i wish you'd tell me how you're feeling; what you're thinking.
i can't see your face; your eyes.
i can't read your expressions.


..

i miss you.

And you act like nothings wrong.
But I can see it in your eyes.
But I can hear it in your voice.
But I can feel it in your touch.

But you just act like nothings wrong.

sitting here.
writing about the boy with the bald head.
is harder than i thought.
it would be.

sitting here.
writing about the boy with the bald head.
is harder than i thought.
it would be.

dear olivia grace -

i miss you. i really really miss you. i need your assurance now more than ever. i've lost that calming feeling i used to get when i could feel your presence. have you left me here alone? please come back. i need to feel like you're here. i need you to persuade me to livstrong. i miss you. i need you. please. please come back.

nothing in this world can tear my eyes from you.
you still have my heart.

do you remember the mascara that fell down my face?
do you remember the tears I didn't want to let fall?
do you remember the empty echo of my sobs?
do you remember the way I wouldn't, couldn't look at you?
do you remember the shame I felt?
do you remember the scream in my eyes?

I forgot them.

all I remember is the way you took my face into your hands,
holding with the gentlest touch.
telling me I, we, would be okay.
all I remember is the way you took my hands and kissed them,
holding them close to your heart.
telling me it still beated for me.
all I remember is the way you took my arms and wrapped them around your neck,
holding me close as you spun me.
telling me you love me forever.

_____


pitter patter,
naked feet brush against the ground.
a slow hum under the breath of the blamed
as a tear gently rolls down her cheek.
unbaised love wrapping around her;
she breathes it in.
slowly the innocent moves her around; gently.
keeping nothing between them.
no air to tear them apart.

the song is soft and sad, a forties tune she's had in her head all day.
about love lost; love she was scared she was going to lose.
but the love held her close in arms secure and strong.
taking her to a happier place,
not an empty bathroom in the basement where the fight takes place.

hollow humming.
and the pitter patter of naked feet.
making circles instead of hearts,
because a circle lasts forever.

Red, blue, red, blue, red, blue.
Morse code,
spelling
a hidden message.
An S.O.S.
Save their souls.
Please save their souls.
Silent prayers
from those in the gravel.
The snow falls; serene,
but those in attendance
watch it in a blunder.
A speeding scream
in pursuit to relieve the pain.
The noise represents more than
meets the ear;
shows the turmoil we do not see.
Agonizing; red, blue, red, blue, red, blue.
S.O.S.
Just like that.
They’re gone.
Lost souls take their detours;
their routes to get home.
Never remembering the
silent prayers prayed
on a snowy evening.
Just seeing in their mind’s eye.
Red, blue, red, blue.
Like morse code.
Pleading to save their souls.

i literally am now closed off from the world.
i have nothing but myself.
and i'm starting to realize how much that scares me.

my words are now few and far between.
nothing like the girl i knew just two days ago.
i barely legible whisper is all most will get out of me.

i'm drowning in my own mind, my own thoughts.








i need you.
if only i could hear you.