star gazing makes
your eyes sparkle.

hold my hand, steal
my heart.
say my name, i'll profess
my love.
trick me; trip me;
push me



deeper.

show me that i'm
what you think about
late at night
when
sleep
won't
hit
dozing eyes.
help me fall.
harder.
into your pit.
pull me from my
comatose.
don't push my tears
from squinted eyes.
take me as your
own.
share the spot
you've saved only
with me.
awaken in me a
replenished life.
starve me
for a t t e n t i o n.
forget to look
my way.
notice me like i
notice you.
pull me closer.
let me slip into sweet,
sweet





nothings.


then tell me you love me.
don't take it back.

rough draft.

11th grade writing assesment.
opinions?



He’s walking away. That’s what everyone does, leaves. It’s tragic, really. A boy full of talent and a bright future, but he’s changed so much from who we used to know.
***
Freshman year was lonely until I found my place. His name was Jacob. His soul sang a beautiful melody that became my gravitational pull toward him. We were both a bit tattered and broken finding in each other what we’d lost in ourselves.
Jacob was much like me, just better at it. We fed off each others moods, seemingly being one. Jacob brought many questions and beliefs, astounding me with the depth of his mind. He opened my eyes to the best and worst parts of the world.
But the bad days came - everything can’t stay perfect forever.
The first was in the parking lot. He’d been upset all day, not telling me why. I’d done everything I could to see his pearly whites. That night, he was a different Jacob, one I couldn’t stand, spitting out short, precise words meant to cut like daggers. I exploded in the car. My screaming was deafening, even to me.
His tears fell - my big, strong Jacob was weeping. I’d never seen a boy cry before. I slipped the car in park and wrapped my arms around him. We stayed like that for hours – tears pouring, just hoping everything would get better. This was the first and last time Jacob needed me like I needed him.
I fell in love that night. I knew his tears were for her, the girl who played with his heart and hurt him so badly, but I did it anyway. A terrible idea, I was sure, but I couldn’t stop it. It was beyond my power.
***
Jacob had a profound love and respect for the arts, as did I. They, along with each other, are what held our frayed edges together as long as they could. Jacob's abilities were prodigious. I could have listened to him play the piano forever. His music evoked emotions in me that I was not aware I possessed. I was beyond ecstatic when he wrote a song for me.
“I think maybe you’ll be the one who will save me from all of this and maybe you are the one I need to be with me.” It’s beautiful chords still play in my mind, taking me back. With a simple song, Jacob had saved me.
Still, we fought terribly - both stubborn and sure of ourselves, everything turned into a battle. On a constant rollercoaster, I became weary and sick. Terrible, spiteful words would be said out of anger and they tore me apart. I held on because I knew that the sun would shine again, the smiles would return.
Our friendship became “award-winning.” We did acting pieces together that astounded crowds. Our chemistry reverberated off the walls. Jacob and I go lost inside our characters. People loved watching us; our lines and movements done precisely, but as if they were new every time. I was always so proud of him. I felt I couldn’t take the credit for the performances because, without him, I would’ve been nothing.
Between performances, though, we would fall apart. He wasn’t the same Jacob I knew and loved. He was lost in a nightmare, one he couldn’t wake up from. His smiles were few and far between. I missed them. I missed him.
***
Over the next year, our friendship changed. I realized that my Jacob was never coming back and although I accepted it, it wasn’t easy. The memories didn’t stop playing in my mind. I wanted my best friend back, but I wasn’t sure he’d call me that anymore.
Then one day he needed me - needed me to care, for support, as a comfort. I’d already moved past my loss. I didn’t know how to react, didn’t know how to help anymore.
I began walking away because that’s what everyone does. I walked away from the boy with talent and a bright future because he wasn’t the boy I used to know. His soul’s beautiful melody had become tattered and broken. The bad days had come -everything can’t stay perfect forever.

his story. <3

we were going to a party. me, neal, louis, cookie and sam. we all managed to cram into the back of joy's car somehow. we wernt exactly sure where we were going but we needed something to do. we were following another car, and we ended up in a cul-de-sac. we were told to park away from the house because they thought their neighbors might call the cops. So we parked away from the house, got out of the car and stood around while our eyes adjusted to the darkness of the night. as our eyes adjusted, the people in the car who we were following exited their car
i couldnt identify any of them so i just minded my business as we followed them to the house
while we were walking someone said something smart and i cracked a joke thinking nothing of it
this superrrrr cute girl turned around and laughed. we chit chatted for a moment or two until we got to the house and were let in. i milled about as there was nooone at the the party that i readily knew, so i stuck around my friends who were there with me, still thinking about that cute girls laugh. i noticed that she had taken a seat at the table with one of her friends and one of mine, so i decided to have a seat aswell. she looked extremely annoyed or bored, maybe both, so i couldnt work up the courage to talk to her. after 5 mins or so she got up and walked off. i went to go look for her but she had already left, i then decided that i would see if i could get her number off of her friend who was still present at the party. alas, when i returned to the table, her friend was gone also. feeling abandoned and slightly humiliated, i gathered my partied out friends, and left the party. Still wondering "what if?" That girl with the most memorable laugh is still in my mind. THEEEEEE ENDDDDDD.







if i tell you i love you, can i keep you forever?
_ casper.

quotes that make me think of you...

I don't know about you, but I'd like to make today worth remembering. - Harold Hill, the Music Man

It’s like acoustic guitars and faded tube socks. Worn down converse and a broken in sweatshirt. You’re so last season, baby, but I don’t follow the trends.

“love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since i was 5, but the girls keep finding me." -Dave, age 8

Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting. –Peter Pan

Promise you won’t forget me, because If I thought you would I’d never leave. –pooh

So let’s say, theoretically, that I really like you. Also that, theoretically, even though it sounds cliché and overused, you give me butterflies. Oh, and, just for kicks, lets add (all in theory, of course) that you may or may not be one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met and I am still, theoretically, reeling and jumping from simply seeing you. Theoretically, would you happen to feel the same?

you never think the last time is the last time. you never think there will be more. you think you will have forever .. but you don't. – Grey’s Anatomy

At the end of the day, all we want is to be close to somebody. We pick and choose who we want to, and once we have chosen those people we tend to stay close by. No matter how much we hurt them, or they hurt us, the people that are still with you at the end of the day are those worth keeping. –Grey’s Anatomy

Never apologize for showing feelings. Remember that when you do, you apologize for the truth. – Benjamin Disraeli

You only live once, but if you live it right, once is enough.

For you and me, today is all we have; tomorrow is a mirage that may never become a reality. – Louis L’Amour

Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. – Unknown

Some of the most real things in the world are things you can’t see. – Polar Express

I just want you to hug me one more time, because the only thing in this world that scares me is that I'll never feel that safe ever again.

Just because we don't say certain things doesn't mean that we don't feel them.

People that are meant to be together; always find their way in the end.

Don't settle for the one who kisses your ass. Wait for the one who pushes your buttons && pisses you off on a daily bases. Love isn't supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be worth it.




<3
in your arms, i find myself safe.
i love being your girl.

new layout.
new thoughts.

"never say goodbye because goodbye means going away. & going away means forgetting."
___ Peter Pan

it's not like i thought goodbye was going to hide - buy us more time. but i never thought it'd come on so quickly.

so many goodbyes.

who knew that these people would ever come to mean so much? the ones who enter our lives without a second thought. the ones who are there through thick and thin. the ones who stop being friends and become family.

everyone, it seems, is leaving. they all have a place to go in the world. a place where i'm not.

--

don't say goodbye.
goodbye means going away.
going away means forgetting.

and i can't let you forget. it's in too deep now.

tonight, i pray to spend the night at your side. and maybe i will. i hope like hell i will. because you have found me in a place i can not hide. you've gotten under my skin.

it's bottled up. this need to be there. i want to explode.

do you feel the hunger?
do you feel the fear?
do you feel the hope?

i'm yearning for you to notice like i notice. notice the way we fit. like gloves made just for your hands. perfectly.

but perfection has its costs, as everything does these days. but a soon-to-be two hour drive won't kill this inside me.

i'm in too deep.

knee deep in mud and muck. and i want to get out, but it feels to good... feels so different... so unlike anything i've had before.

feels so... safe.

what is this safeness? is it all a facade? are you playing a role? is this your way of hurting me? i won't notice if you try.

too blinded. in too deep.

i care. and thats what matters. you care. and thats what matters.

close your eyes to see. close your eyes to sleep. sleep to dream. dream to realize.

realize. please just realize. carpe diem. before its too late.

"dear jordan, my hand is empty without yours."

realize that thats all that matters. its another notification into a world where everything can be right.

i want to stay on this high;; stay on this high with you beside me. because it's nice here.

and i enjoy the sun on my face in the freshly cut grass with the birds singing and a lemonade in hand with the whisper of the waves and the dog playing in the shade and the tanlineless shade of brown and the sweet nothings you may whisper. that's what nice reminds me of. perfect days.

lets have perfect, perfect days.

Another post. I hate thinking. /:

I can not say exactly what I feel.
Because my feelings are in a jumble.
And I don't know how to speak pig latin.

*****

I feel naked.
As though I've lost the one I hid behind,
and here I am, out in the wind for all to see.

I feel happy.
As though I've found what was missing,
and here I am, knowing what the future holds.

I feel annoyed.
As though I've lost my temper,
and here I am, ready to explode in outrage.

I feel hopeful.
As though I've realized what I can be,
and here I am, ready to jump in and take hold of it.

I feel loved.
As though I've found my place in careful arms,
and here I am, letting myself become enchanted.

I feel trapped.
As though I've come to find I can't leave,
and here I am, screaming for a savior.

I feel enlightened.
As though I've turned on the light,
and here I am, ready to dig in and hold on tight.

I feel confident.
As though I've walked through on a breeze,
and here I am, facing all the troubles.

I feel insane.
As though I've lost my mind,
and here I am, preparing for a break down.

I feel surprised.
As though I've been put in the spot light,
and here I am, not ready to soak it all in.


I feel.
I just feel.

I never gave much thought to who I want to be.
It always came ... naturally.
Always it was evident that I wanted to be a writer.
Yet, schooling to become this seemed unneccesary.
I know how to write.
I know tenses and verbs and punctuation.
My vocabulary is expansive.
Who needs to go to college to learn how to write?

But, in these here times in an unsturdy economy, college is a must.
It seems you are to be looked down upon without a college education.
And I've always wanted to go to school, of course.
I wish I could do it professionally - I never want to stop learning.

So what does one who knows what they want to do with their life go to school for when what they want to be does not require schooling.

Double Major.
Mass Communtications.
Graphic Design.
Minor.
Theatre Education.

And when adults ask what I want to do with my life,
this is what I tell them.

"What kind of jobs will this give you?"
Well, I can be an advertising agent.
Make the new ads to make you yearn for products you don't really need.
Waste money.
And I will be able to direct shows.

I won't lose myself in a job I hate and don't understand.
I won't change who I am or what I love in anyway.

And I can still write.
Right?

spring break memories. <3

"JOEYYY. YOU HAVE OVARIES!"
missed opportunities to console him with our mouths.
the absence of spiderman bandaids.
casey's sugar rush.
...and then i called her a whore.
being rescued not once but twice.
scarf obsession.
pictures while driving.
i'm sick and all alone...save me?
love...or not...or yes.
borrowed shirts and ones knit by weird english boys.
hannah's "southern iowan" accent.
holding hands.
lake laps.
those nights kept me alive.
hiding things.
boys with ovaries.
tuesday morning.
I HAATEEE IT WHEN PEOPLE TOUCH MUH FAACE!
getting in fights with wires.
lying about our location.
pink lemonade and ritz crackers.
'no chance, no way, i won't say it, no, no.'
turtle cheesecake.
random driving.
pee breaks at joey's.
shattered expectations.
turning tears into laughter.
THE APOCOLYPSE IS COMING!!!
joey's shoes.
broshars music.
the perfectly straightned hair.
dry erase markers.
ruining my shoes because of that god damn horse.
making breakfast.
sleeping through an intervention.
a princess in battle gear, fighting for my heart. (:
completely sucking at life.
singing for an audience of three.


it was the time of my life.
i wish it was back.