I want to live.

Living. Breathing. Crying. Laughing. Loving. Reproducing. Hating. Decomposing. Death.
A cycle, isn't it?

We're born - we live.
We take in our first air - we breathe.
We get hungary - we cry.
We get tickled - we laugh.
We meet our family - we love.
We meet our soulmate - we reproduce.
We go to war (of any kind) - we hate.
We get sick - we decompose.
We fall apart - we die.

How can I break this?
How can I not hate?
I don't want to decompose.
I don't want to die.
How can I break this?

How can I live my life without this process always on my fingertips?
How can I just live?

Race to Happiness

It seems like lately I’ve been doing a lot of running. Literally and figuratively. Running for soccer and softball, yes, but also running away from or to people. Sometimes even myself. Everything is happening so fast, and I feel like I need to keep holding on and everything will work itself out, but really, I just want to let go. I want to lie in bed and forget all the messes that I need to go clean up. I want to ignore the text messages, the phone calls, the notes, the emails. I want to hide- be alone for awhile. I need time and space, but time is flying by and all the spaces are filled. It’s like the first day of kindergarten; you don’t want to let go of mommy’s hand, but you now that if you don’t hurry, all the good cubbies will be taken and you won’t have anywhere to put your new 64 pack of Crayola’s.
The whole world is in a race. A race with what seems to be no finish line. But I just keep running. Convincing myself that maybe one, maybe two more steps and I’ll be done. I’ll be fully happy. I keep going and the going isn’t getting any better. The pavement is cracked, people are passing me, and it’s starting to rain. But I run anyway. Hoping the finish line isn’t much further away.

beauty.

have you ever seen beauty in a place so horrible you never thought could be any?
i've seen so much beauty in the last few weeks that i can't believe this is really my life.

beauty:
on your face.
in your words.
in the place you hide so well.
in a text.
in a smile.
on a postcard.
in a picture.
in a song.
on a stage.
in my heart.

Birthday.

So I realize I have not written about my birthday yet.

On February 6th of this year, I became 16 years of age.
I, Jordan, am now a free driver.
whoo!

We were going to go bowling, but that didn't work out.
Sooooo ... WE WENT TO THE MCDONALD'S PLAYPLACE!!!!
=D
So it was jacob, luke, logan, michaela, niusha, sara, katie, mary, and me.
at mcdonald's.
it was wonderful.

I wish i could explain to you the immense amount of emotion I felt that day, but I can't.
words cannot express what it meant to me.
i love you.




hey baby, one day you'll see that it was never me.

apology --

for everyone at speech contest today who i was supposed to meet or see after a very long time -
i'm sorry for the way i acted.
reasoning:

for once, i didn't want to be at speech contest.
at all, really.
i wanted to be with my brother more than anything in the world.
i miss him so much, and not having him there was very hard on me.
which is why i cried so much, if you noticed that.
so i'm very sorry.
next time shall be better.
i will be my true self again.
<3


on a brighter note:
jacob and i got straight ones in ensamble.
<3

relationSHIT.

haha. i thought that was witty.

i just am sick of boys, quite frankly.
i'm sick of the "love" that is never quite true.
i'm sick of the ice cream and holding hands.
i'm sick of all the movies and the presents.
i'm sick of the dinner plans that are broken.
i'm sick of loving someone, knowing i'll just get hurt.

goodbye

Colby leaves today/tomorrow.
I don't know how to handle that.
Theres always the fact that I can look forward to seeing him when he's coming home,
but then theres the fact that I have to do this alone while he's gone.
I want to literally punch his nose in for doing this to me, but I know that he could harm me much worse than I him.
In fact, he already has harmed me.
I'm changing.
He has harmed my emotions and who I am.
I want me back, but at the same time, that girl can't handle this.
But neither can this one, really.
Ugh.
It all is so confusing and sucks so bad.
I want someone to just come and hold me.

On an even suckier note,
in about a week, I probably won't have a cell phone anymore.
ugh.

The Bucket List

I've been pretty closed off to my feelings lately. I haven't had much of a choice because everything is so messed up and I can't deal with it.

Well, I went to see The Bucket List with Walker today. I let go of everything and just bawled. I cried so hard, like I haven't since Olivia's death. The movie was amazing, to say the least. Probably one of the very best I've ever seen. It touched me in a way that I haven't been touched by anything.

I've always had a "life list," but it's been pretty much shallow. Things like "meet someone famous" and "make a million dollars." But now I'm making a bucket list. Not so shallow. First things first:
1. Take part in a miracle.

second things second ...

2. Have faith like a child ... in anything.
3. Feel beautiful.
4. Make someone else feel beautiful.
5. Be someone's someone.
6. Learn my purpose.

Thats the start at least.

questions.

who are we and why are we here?
why do we do the things we do?
why do i make choices and you make different ones?
why are we different and why are we the same?
do we have true reasons for being alive, or are we just a figment of imagination?
is my life really real, or is this all a dream?
what is forever and where is eternity?
where does the universe end and where does it begin?

why am i here?
why do i feel love, hate, or anguish?

i hate questions.

new years resolution

Finally, an immeasurable resolution.

I'm finally going to live my life for me. I owe myself for all those years I lost.




I didn't have any troubles coming up with one this year.
This means i'm going to:
-take chances
-take pictures
-play lots
-live always
-learn new tricks
-meet new people
-find myself