Birthday.

So I realize I have not written about my birthday yet.

On February 6th of this year, I became 16 years of age.
I, Jordan, am now a free driver.
whoo!

We were going to go bowling, but that didn't work out.
Sooooo ... WE WENT TO THE MCDONALD'S PLAYPLACE!!!!
=D
So it was jacob, luke, logan, michaela, niusha, sara, katie, mary, and me.
at mcdonald's.
it was wonderful.

I wish i could explain to you the immense amount of emotion I felt that day, but I can't.
words cannot express what it meant to me.
i love you.




hey baby, one day you'll see that it was never me.

apology --

for everyone at speech contest today who i was supposed to meet or see after a very long time -
i'm sorry for the way i acted.
reasoning:

for once, i didn't want to be at speech contest.
at all, really.
i wanted to be with my brother more than anything in the world.
i miss him so much, and not having him there was very hard on me.
which is why i cried so much, if you noticed that.
so i'm very sorry.
next time shall be better.
i will be my true self again.
<3


on a brighter note:
jacob and i got straight ones in ensamble.
<3

relationSHIT.

haha. i thought that was witty.

i just am sick of boys, quite frankly.
i'm sick of the "love" that is never quite true.
i'm sick of the ice cream and holding hands.
i'm sick of all the movies and the presents.
i'm sick of the dinner plans that are broken.
i'm sick of loving someone, knowing i'll just get hurt.

goodbye

Colby leaves today/tomorrow.
I don't know how to handle that.
Theres always the fact that I can look forward to seeing him when he's coming home,
but then theres the fact that I have to do this alone while he's gone.
I want to literally punch his nose in for doing this to me, but I know that he could harm me much worse than I him.
In fact, he already has harmed me.
I'm changing.
He has harmed my emotions and who I am.
I want me back, but at the same time, that girl can't handle this.
But neither can this one, really.
Ugh.
It all is so confusing and sucks so bad.
I want someone to just come and hold me.

On an even suckier note,
in about a week, I probably won't have a cell phone anymore.
ugh.

The Bucket List

I've been pretty closed off to my feelings lately. I haven't had much of a choice because everything is so messed up and I can't deal with it.

Well, I went to see The Bucket List with Walker today. I let go of everything and just bawled. I cried so hard, like I haven't since Olivia's death. The movie was amazing, to say the least. Probably one of the very best I've ever seen. It touched me in a way that I haven't been touched by anything.

I've always had a "life list," but it's been pretty much shallow. Things like "meet someone famous" and "make a million dollars." But now I'm making a bucket list. Not so shallow. First things first:
1. Take part in a miracle.

second things second ...

2. Have faith like a child ... in anything.
3. Feel beautiful.
4. Make someone else feel beautiful.
5. Be someone's someone.
6. Learn my purpose.

Thats the start at least.

questions.

who are we and why are we here?
why do we do the things we do?
why do i make choices and you make different ones?
why are we different and why are we the same?
do we have true reasons for being alive, or are we just a figment of imagination?
is my life really real, or is this all a dream?
what is forever and where is eternity?
where does the universe end and where does it begin?

why am i here?
why do i feel love, hate, or anguish?

i hate questions.

new years resolution

Finally, an immeasurable resolution.

I'm finally going to live my life for me. I owe myself for all those years I lost.




I didn't have any troubles coming up with one this year.
This means i'm going to:
-take chances
-take pictures
-play lots
-live always
-learn new tricks
-meet new people
-find myself

i stole this from jordan. [=

I shall write to you and tell you what I think.
Want to know which one is yours?
Ask me.


1. In the last year we've been "the best of friends" and we've been "enemies." I'm not sure what you think of me anymore, but I still love you.

2. It breaks my heart that I can't be with you everyday.

3. You piss me off and somedays I never want to see you or talk to you ever again, but I know that I love you with every part of me and I could never live without being able to call you my friend.

4. You are an incompetent prick. I hope that you can live with what you did to me and to her.

5. Even though I barely know you, you make me smile. Sometimes I get online just to see if you have wrote to me.

6. I love you. I don't need to say anything else, but I love you.

7. You've been there through all the stormy weather as best as you can and sometimes it scares me how much you know about me.

8. Did you have to tell people my secret? Did you have to make it so that everyone saw me as a helpless emo girl? I'm happy to tell you that I'm stronger now, and I don't need friends like you.

9. I wish you were here. It's all my fault.

10. You make me smile. More than anyone in the whole world. I wish you'd call.

11. I don't want you to leave. You are the only person in the world who believes what happened that night. You've been here for so long, I don't know how I'll deal with you being gone.

12. Thank you. You truly brought me to be who I am and I love you. I truly do. I wish you'd understand that.

13. No, I don't want to be your friend. I don't want you to call me in a drunken stupor to tell me how much you miss me and how much you need me and how you're sorry for screwing up(or screwing someone else). Leave me alone!

14. You are brilliant. I don't know how I could ever think any less.

15. You've put me between a rock and a hard place; i don't know weather to love or hate you.

16. I could've never done it without you.

17. I'm not a whore, so you could stop treating me like one.

18. You need to stop pushing my buttons. It's not funny anymore.

19. I wish you'd tell me the truth. Stop lying to me. I know what happened.

20. What's it gonna be? Are you going to walk away without goodbyes or are you going to stay awhile?






just ask if you want to know.

Waverly <3

So I haven't written about my day in Waverly last week yet.
But now, I shall.


I went to Waverly with Katie so she could meet with the choral director person.
While she was with him, I went and "searched" for Matthew.
More like I got lost. And then by the time I got back to the chorus room, I found him.
yay!
So then he was all like "yup. school'll be over soon, then you can see everyone else."
We started walking down the hall with Katie, and BAM!
I SAW KILEBOTZ! and i was like "KILEBOTZ!"
and he was like "JORDAN!" And then there were big bear hugs!
It was exciting. And then there bigger smiles.
And CORY was there! yay!
Theeeeennn, we went farther down the hall to wait for Kim.
And I 'hid.'
And then i saw MEGANCOTTER. so i yell "MEGAN COTTER!"
and the instant she saw me, she started screaming and jumped in my arms.
It was the most wonderful greeting in the world.
I've never felt so loved.

And then there were more people all over. And lots of yelling and excitedness.
People looked at us funny. It was wonderful, for sure.
And then we went up lots of stairs.
AND ANDREI WAS THERE! OHEMGEE.
And when he saw me he was all "oh my fucking god i love you."
and more hugs, and love, and pictures.

Life is wonderful when someone loves you.

What Do I Do Now?

My heart is a hole now.
With my brother leaving, I'm not sure what I'll be.


He leaves January 22nd now. His date got moved up.
And now ... my heart is a hole.
A big empty one.