Kids like us.

I'd give you the world if that's what it took to see your crooked smile.

And I know I'm not perfect.

And I know you're not ready.
Though you say you are.

But kids like us, kids from the wrong side of the tracks.
Kids who stir up havoc.
Impatient kids with too much on their minds.

Yes, kids like us.
We'll never be ready.
Because we don't make plans often.
We let life's ebbs and flows take us where they may.

Yes, kids like us.
We were born running.
To and from.
Good and bad.

Yes, kids like us.
We hand our hearts out on platters.
Vulnerability.
That's what kids like us do.

You broke me and left.
Years have flown by.
And back you come, tail between legs.
Begging for forgiveness.

Was I stupid for giving forgiveness.
Was I smart for giving forgiveness.

Everyone always deserves a second chance.
But your first was ruined before it even started.
So I'm not sure what chance we're on.

But kids like us don't pay attention to chances, do we.
No.
Kids like us don't listen to the past.
Because kids like us live in the moment.

Who am I kidding?

You came back and made me smile.
Smile, for christ's sake.
After all that's happened with us, and I still could smile.
Maybe chances are worth it now.

It was a crowded gym, but I knew your face instantly.
And my heart sank.
I didn't know if i should cry or if i should laugh.
What irony; what coincidence.

What fate.

I'm not much of a believer in irony;
in coincidence;
in fate.
I believe you make what happens happen.

But that moment was so unexpected;
so out of my control.

So perfect?

And now.

Everything is coming together.
Our loose ends have put themselves back together.
We're getting lost in that summer again.

I just don't want to lose all that I lost that summer.
Please.

You know.
That song you played.
Just for me?
I set it as your ringtone.
But it's not the same.

It's not your hands strumming those strings.
It's not your voice softly singing those words.
It's not you.

And I listen.
I let it play all the way through before I answer.
Because for that moment,
I'm lost in a moment.

A moment where everything was perfect.
And everything was right.
And we.
We were infinite.

We.
You and me.

Kids like us.
Kids from the wrong side of the tracks.
Kids who stir up havoc.
Impatient kids.
Unplanning kids.
Kids who take life as it comes.
Vulnerable kids.
Kids like us.

Kids who were born to be infinite.

"Someday I'll be beautiful.
Is this real because I don't feel beautiful.
I feel angry.
I feel silence.
I feel so far away.
I am crazy.
I'm amazing.
I have nothing to say.
I'm pathetic.
I'm a giant.
I'm a moment away.

I'll be beautiful..someday."

i forgot to take off the necklace you gave me
when i showered yesterday.
and it felt like a dead weight around my neck.
every thought that came and went
was just another thing i wanted to say to you.

i hate you.
i hate how you can't even acknowledge i'm alive right now.
i hate how when i need you most, you turn your back.
i hate how i lose my appetite when you say the things you do.
i hate how i can't stand the way i try to make you notice me.
i hate how you say you'll call, but you never do.
i hate how everytime i hear your name, i want to cry.
i hate how every song i hear is just another song that screams your name.
i hate how i can't look at my phone, scared you won't have answered.
i hate how i can't even really hate you.

and most of all.
i hate that you "love" me.
because love isn't fair.
and you break promises.






i know you loved me. you said & you wrote it down.

I know you're reading this.
I don't even have to tell you to read it.
So listen carefully.

I do care.
Lots.

Okay?
I know that's what you want to hear.
And I know it's not something I've told you.

I keep secrets.
I hide myself.
Which is why I don't say who these are about.
Because the people who need to know, know that it's about them.
The secrets that are just outlined, not told, are done that way for a reason.
Because I get scared.


Get used to it.

I've realized...
It's okay to be broken.
But don't stay broken for long.
Because people are waiting for you.
To be put together again.
People are waiting for you.
To be the person you used to be.
There will always be someone.
Someone who needs you more than you realize.


You're my someone.
And I would give the world.
If it meant that I could be your someone.


And I'm not really sure how you managed it.
Managed to make me trip.
Because I promised myself I wouldn't.
Wouldn't trip over you.
Wouldn't trip over anyone.
And the more I listen to my favorite songs.
The more they remind me of you.


I'm terrified, you know.
Terrified of what I feel when you're gone.
Terrified of what I feel when you're here.


But when I don't hear from you for a short time.
I worry.
I worry that in that time.
You forgot all about me.

"Places among the stars,
Soft gardens near the sun,
Keep your distant beauty;
Shed no beams upon my weak heart.
Since she is here
In a place of blackness,
Not your golden days
Nor your silver nights
Can call me to you.
Since she is here
In a place of blackness,
Here I stay and wait."
- Stephen Crane


Wait for me.
please.
I'll be better soon.
i promise.

i know one thing for sure;
we love each other.


maybe it was too much.
maybe it was too soon.
maybe we are too young.
maybe we are too far.
maybe you were too giving.
maybe you were too happy.
maybe i was there too soon.
maybe i was too lost.


maybe in another life,
something will work differently.
and maybe we'll love each other
forever, like you say.


because, like you say, love doesn't
give up.
but i think you've
already given up.




"you said you never wanted to see me with a broken heart.
so when you broke it, did you close your eyes?"

i need you tonight.
i need you to tell me you need me.
i need you to say its going to be okay.
i need you to show me how you feel.
i need you to not give up.
i need you to hold me close.
i need you to look me in the eyes.
i need you to remember what made you see me.
i need you to laugh when i try to talk through my tears.
i need you to care about me the way i care about you.
i need you to say what you really mean.

i just need you tonight.
i just need you to say its going to be all right.



&, hypothetically, i may lose simple happiness.
easily i could lose it.
and its all i want.

with you.

You've put a
smile
on my face.
And I don't know
exactly
when I'm going to see
you again.
Or when you'll
kiss me again.
All I know is that
I'm so excited,
and that you give me
uncontrollable butterflies.
And I know that no matter
how this all turns out,
you've made me a happy girl
and all I can do is thank you for that.



"I promise to remember the way you looked at me that night.
Intensity; all I felt was intensity."

new years resolution

1. Stay the hell away from love.

2. Take too many pictures.

3. Laugh too hard.

4. Be happy. Where you are, with who you're with.

5. Be passionate.

6. Be content.

7. Do something wonderful, whatever it may be.

8. Start and finish a novel.

9. Prove everyone wrong about me.

10. Stop with the addictions.

11. Do something just for me. i.e. road trip? sky dive?

12. Follow my heart, no matter what.

13. Stop being scared to hurt anyone else if it'll make me happy.

14. Stand up for myself.

15. Be strong.

16. Work hard and succeed.

17. Show my best friend what she means to me.

18. Find someone who makes me happy, truly, deeply, and don't let them go.

19. Learn a new skill. (maybe how to knit?)

20. Be kinder, always.





I've got a long way to go.

already;
i'm getting used to the idea of 2009.

but i'm scared shitless.