when i look back on my life, will i be proud of the person i grew to be?
will i smile at a memory, maybe two, along the way?
will i focus on the bad parts, the parts that hurt?
or will i, instead, remember only the good, forgetting what made me strong?
will my passion for all things burn bright or be put out?
will i be weak in my times of sorrow?
or come out stronger in the end?
will i bend and break?
or will i make damn sure that no one sees me on my knees?
will i be begging for forgiveness for all the sins i know i've done?
or, instead, will i just be gone?

will this moment, this hour, this day be a memory that will never fade?
or will today be just a fleeting moment in time?
a droplet of water in an ocean of moments, blending in with the rest?
a grain of sand in my ever-falling hour glass?

will this matter?

i'm a little worried.

about you.



i wish you'd tell me how you're feeling; what you're thinking.
i can't see your face; your eyes.
i can't read your expressions.


..

i miss you.

And you act like nothings wrong.
But I can see it in your eyes.
But I can hear it in your voice.
But I can feel it in your touch.

But you just act like nothings wrong.

sitting here.
writing about the boy with the bald head.
is harder than i thought.
it would be.

sitting here.
writing about the boy with the bald head.
is harder than i thought.
it would be.

dear olivia grace -

i miss you. i really really miss you. i need your assurance now more than ever. i've lost that calming feeling i used to get when i could feel your presence. have you left me here alone? please come back. i need to feel like you're here. i need you to persuade me to livstrong. i miss you. i need you. please. please come back.

nothing in this world can tear my eyes from you.
you still have my heart.

do you remember the mascara that fell down my face?
do you remember the tears I didn't want to let fall?
do you remember the empty echo of my sobs?
do you remember the way I wouldn't, couldn't look at you?
do you remember the shame I felt?
do you remember the scream in my eyes?

I forgot them.

all I remember is the way you took my face into your hands,
holding with the gentlest touch.
telling me I, we, would be okay.
all I remember is the way you took my hands and kissed them,
holding them close to your heart.
telling me it still beated for me.
all I remember is the way you took my arms and wrapped them around your neck,
holding me close as you spun me.
telling me you love me forever.

_____


pitter patter,
naked feet brush against the ground.
a slow hum under the breath of the blamed
as a tear gently rolls down her cheek.
unbaised love wrapping around her;
she breathes it in.
slowly the innocent moves her around; gently.
keeping nothing between them.
no air to tear them apart.

the song is soft and sad, a forties tune she's had in her head all day.
about love lost; love she was scared she was going to lose.
but the love held her close in arms secure and strong.
taking her to a happier place,
not an empty bathroom in the basement where the fight takes place.

hollow humming.
and the pitter patter of naked feet.
making circles instead of hearts,
because a circle lasts forever.

Red, blue, red, blue, red, blue.
Morse code,
spelling
a hidden message.
An S.O.S.
Save their souls.
Please save their souls.
Silent prayers
from those in the gravel.
The snow falls; serene,
but those in attendance
watch it in a blunder.
A speeding scream
in pursuit to relieve the pain.
The noise represents more than
meets the ear;
shows the turmoil we do not see.
Agonizing; red, blue, red, blue, red, blue.
S.O.S.
Just like that.
They’re gone.
Lost souls take their detours;
their routes to get home.
Never remembering the
silent prayers prayed
on a snowy evening.
Just seeing in their mind’s eye.
Red, blue, red, blue.
Like morse code.
Pleading to save their souls.

i literally am now closed off from the world.
i have nothing but myself.
and i'm starting to realize how much that scares me.

my words are now few and far between.
nothing like the girl i knew just two days ago.
i barely legible whisper is all most will get out of me.

i'm drowning in my own mind, my own thoughts.








i need you.
if only i could hear you.

i was drowning once.
and you saved me from the cold, dark waters.
pulled me to shore and i laid there in the sun, regaining my breath.
and the sun was shining, but you shone brighter.











i'm drowning now.
and you're no where to be found.

I'm so scared.

About to send in Application Number One.
To my dream school.



I couldn't be more terrified.

this makes me feel sick.
literally hands on my stomach, cringing sick.
sick at what this has become.
i miss you and how we were.
can we please. please. go back to normal?

Baby are you down down down down down?
Down, down.
Even if the sky is falling down.
Down, down.
You oughta know, tonight is the night to let it go.
Put on a show.
I wanna see how you lose control.
So leave it behind ’cause we have a night to get away.
So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape.
So baby don’t worry, you are my only.
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down.
You’ll be my only, no need to worry.
Baby are you down down down down down?
Even if the sky is falling down.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I said I'd love you forever.
It's a promise I know I can't break.
Because the sun came up today.
And I love you more than I did when it was darkness.
That's a pattern left unbroken.

I promise to do better.
To try harder.
To do this for you; for us.

(I will try.)
I know I can.

I said I won't go to sleep mad at you.
Or upset with you.
And it's nap time now.

Lullaby and goodnight.
I love you, my darling.

we've changed so much from who we used to be.



except not at all.





because you're still the one who breaks me.
and i'm still the one letting you.

what's in a hero?

hero. noun.
1. a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2. a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal.


3. a betrayer?



for year after year, i looked up to you.
took your every word as though it were the gospel.
followed your example.
i wished i could be you.

i gave you my best toys, the best pokemon cards i possessed, i let you take extra long turns on the go-cart.
i kept your secrets and let you tell me scary stories even though they made me cry.


i gave you every piece of my heart, trusting you'd be the only boy who wouldn't hurt it.
because heroes don't hurt the ones they love.
heroes don't hurt their most beloved little sisters.


but you DID.
you've hurt me so badly.
i don't know why you had it in your mind that destructing our family was okay!
IT WASN'T.

NORMAL families aren't like this.
NORMAL families have christmas pictures with everyone in it.
NORMAL families spend holidays and birthdays together.
NORMAL families are there to support each other when it all goes wrong.
NORMAL families are there to witness all your proudest moments.

HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME, HERE, ALONE WITHOUT A SECOND GLANCE?!
did you even care about what you were doing, care about what you were leaving behind?



DID YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT ME?
did you even worry for a second what this would do to me, to us?



i don't even know where my hero lives.
i don't even know the person my hero loves.
i don't even know what my hero does for his job.
i don't even know when i'll see my hero again, if i'll see him again.

i don't even know if he was much of a hero to start with.

it was a surprise trip.
i could tell you didn't notice me across the field.
you were too upset.
i wanted to console you, hold you, tell you everything would be okay.
but i had to wait.
wait.
wait.

50 minutes passed on for 50 days in my mind.
i wanted to stop the game, running through the middle, straight into your arms.
i wanted to envelope you into me, letting you know i would always be there.
but i had to wait.
wait.
wait.

i'll never forget the look you gave me when you saw i was there.
it was a happy kind of hurt, it seemed.
hurt i had lied and told you i wouldn't be able to make it.
happy i was still there.
and i laughed when your friends made you fall.
and yet, i had to wait.
wait.
wait.

i stood at the line, waiting to fall into your arms.
but your walk was sluggish, lagging.
i didn't want to wait.
wait.
wait.

but i did, like i always would.
for you.
and scooping me into your arms, i knew, as i always had,
you are worth the wait.
wait.
wait.

a playful shove and i can't stop giggling.
you pick me up in the air, my legs flailing.
and i'm flying.
soaring.
to come down, i could wait.
wait.
wait.

but i'm always flying.
always soaring.
as long as you are in my heart.
i'll be yours forever.
take my hand.
please don't make me wait.
wait.
wait.

you're back.
for good, it seems.
and i couldn't be happier.
but i also couldn't miss you more.

-----

in or out of my life; what are you?
i'm sick of never knowing where i stand with you.